speechless

I've been without voice for two days now. I spent the whole day yesterday screaming in whispers, literally, because my vocal cords or larynx or whatever it is (which I bet I should know, since I'm into sound productions of the vocal tract, just not really the actual vocal tract...new project perhaps?) have decided to throw in the towel, at least until I start having something worthwhile to say. Imagine your body protesting your mind. That's kind of what I think is going on with my insides at the moment. I was sick as a dog last week, and finally started to feel better over the weekend, but I suppose waitressing isn't really the best way to recover from illness.

Not speaking has sort of thrown me into an odd period of suspension. Last night, unable to sing, unable to talk to myself over matters of the everyday, I laid in bed staring at the shadows cast on my walls. I tried to read, but found that with one of my four elements on hiatus the others sat out in protest. Even solitary, I need to know that exchange can occur. I've spent the whole day silent at work, suffering several awkward encounters where I must motion that I have lost my voice, and the other person either apologizes or whispers their request to me. I'm really good at facial expressions. My hand gestures are superb. Body language is the new rhetoric.

So why am I questioning my entire being today? I've been scouring the internet for masters' programs in Amsterdam (dare I afford?) and research positions in big American cities. What does linguistics mean to someone who cannot speak? Is it time to put life's ambitions on the line? Does it count if I draw the line myself?

I'm all ears.